Goodbye Days Review

Rating: 10/10

I usually read y/a books about a mystery with a side of romance. Best examples are Kelley Armstrong's Missing, The Masked Truth, and 

Karen M. McManus' One of Us is Lying. Which I highly recommend. However, this book was nothing like this. This book was real and raw and left me feeling like my heart was ripped out, but somehow it was a good thing. 

This was a story of grief and guilt. A teen named Carver is confronted with the massive guilt of "causing" the death of his 3 best friends. All he does is send one text "Where are you guys? Text me back." Those seven words would change his life forever as his friends get into a crash as the driver attempts to respond.

-spoilers ahead-

The main character then has a 'goodbye day' with one of his friend's grandmother. Nana Betsy, a very southern Christian lady, and him do things that remind them of Blake and talk about their favourite memories. This leads to Carver telling Nana Betsy that her grandson never liked taking girls out to movies because girls weren't his thing. This shocks her, and as it sets in, she says something in my first quote post from the book. 

Blake, honey, if you can hear me listen real good now. That doesn't make a damn bit of difference to me. I love you more than I love God himself. So if he's got a problem with anything, he can talk to me, because I love you how you are.

Carver struggles with panic attacks and sees a therapist who attempts to help him relieve his guilt by telling stories where he is not to blame. He also struggles to have friends at school as one of his friends, Eli, has a twin who blames him for her brother's death. He now only has the same friend's girlfriend, Jesmyn as a friend and confidant. The dad of the friend who was driving is also seeking criminal charges.

Eli's parents, Carver and Jesmyn, go on a goodbye day for Eli. Which starts out seemingly innocent until Eli's dad admits he blames Carver for the death of his son and tries to get him to confess. As well he also told Carver to essentially stay away from Jesmyn romantically. Unfortunately, he had already discovered his feelings for her.

After going to a concert with Jesmyn, his jealousy bubbled to a boiling point, and he not only confessed his feelings terribly, he insulted Eli. While also lying to her, saying Eli would want them to be together. She stormed out of the car, telling him she was not property to be passed down.

His last goodbye day was with the man who was just trying to send him to jail. Carver learns Mars' dad had asked for the charges to be dropped. This goodbye day was substantially worse than the other two. It starts with a 7-mile run they don't complete because Carver can't handle it. Then he is taken to church, where Mars' dad preaches about divine judgement - essentially condemning Carver to hell. He then tells Carver to clean up 'Thurgood's' (Mars' legal name) and throw out any drawings he finds. This upsets him as Mars was an artist. He finds a comic called "The Judge" Mars was working on, clearly inspired by his father. Carver decides Mars' dad needs to know who Mars really was. However, standing up to him gets him quite literally thrown out.

After he gets home Judge Edwards shows up at his door holding the comic, asking to 'get to know Mars.' Carver agrees, and they go get Mars' favourite milkshake and talk about him and who he really was. He tells Mr. Edwards that Mars was taking all the lessons of hard work his dad was instilling in him, not to make his dad proud but to become his own man.

Review:

This book was written beautifully but honestly. I had to take breaks because my eyes were so filled with tears that I could no longer read. Carver's character also spoke to me on a semi-personal level. The description of panic attacks is accurate to how they really feel. I also know the guilt of thinking someone's death is your fault. The memories of the past do feel bittersweet. 

I will say this book has given me the most emotional reaction of any book I've read. I was sad, I was mad, I was happy, I was proud and even more than I can remember. This book was a raw look into a struggling teenager's life. It was a confrontational therapeutic experience, much like Carver's goodbye days were for him.

Another thing I loved was the descriptive nature of the writing felt very fitting as it was being told by Carver - a writing prodigy.